I am Magneto...!!!

Ok so because I was 45 recently and am therefore Old and Past My Youth, I decided I had jolly well better start taking some vitamins. Also they were on special offer.
So for the last couple of months I have been taking an assortment of pills with my breakfast in a bewildering array of shapes, sizes and colours. They range from a pill not much bigger than your average mouse poo to something that even a horse would struggle to swallow, but swallow them I have, with the help of a cup of coffee. I feel very grown up and sensible.
I have to say apart from the daily exercise involved in opening all the various bottles and jars, I haven't really noticed any benefits. I have however noticed one very big drawback, with regards to the Iron tablets........
Iron is something the human body needs to help transport oxygen throughout the bloodstream. If you don't get enough oxygen this can affect how your body and brain functions. Women of course need a higher intake of Iron than men because of that delightful gift Mother Nature gave us, so I figured all this extra Iron would be beneficial.
Not so.
It would appear that when you take Iron, it fools your body into thinking it's your friend by making you feel all powerful and full of energy. But Iron is evil, and has an ulterior motive. This devious plan, probably because Iron is magnetic, is to slowly but surely attract everything in your body that isn't tied down. These things then settle firmly into your intestines, and take on the approximate size and shape of an anvil. I have spent the last few days turning into Magneto; not the all-powerful X-Men type superhero, more like his younger, illegitimate half brother with a crippling pain in his abdomen and a longing for the old days when I could visit the toilet with gay abandon and cheerfully do a poo that wasn't black in colour and the weight of a housebrick. I swear it even felt as though metallic objects in the house and office were attracted to me; I felt quite sure that I would get up from my desk at work only to find myself covered in staples and paperclips, clinging to my waistline like a bullet belt.
I appreciate that this isn't terribly ladylike, and could be filed neatly under the heading of "too much information" but I feel it's my public duty to warn you all against the perils of iron supplements.
Needless to say I have cast the remainder of the tablets into the bin, and I am much relieved.